Saturday, November 10, 2012

Should a single gay man postpone his happiness?

“Monogamous relationship is the only way of life. Either have a committed monogamous partner or die if you can’t handle your desires. Who will take care of you in old age other than your partner? God would have created someone for you, go find that someone fast and be committed. I hate people who change their boyfriends every month. What’s the difference between humans and animals, if we sleep with anyone and everyone around? Oh, God, when will I find my Mr. Right? I am sure this year, my Mr. Right will come and pick me up on his white horse. Marrying a straight girl is better than being single throughout life.”

This was precisely the kind of thinking I had a few years back. I was desperately looking to fall in love with the Mr. Right. I was so confident of my down-to-earth and adjusting nature that I thought I could make any relationship successful.  And I was not completely wrong. I did the same and made a successful relationship for as long as two-and-a-half years, only to finally realize that “Success doesn’t mean long lasting, success means being happy”.

It’s been almost a year now since my ex moved out of my house, leaving me with memories of agony, abuse, lies and cheating. I started to think, and fail to understand, why my Mr. Right was never right for me and why  I could not become his reason for living. I was confused whether to blame him because he did so or whether to blame myself because I was so blind and desperately waiting to fall in love and had made an utterly wrong choice. I did not forgive him, and cursed him for months, thinking that I was punishing him - only to realize that I was punishing myself. Usual phases of losing trust in love, followed with friends reminding me not to let him rule my life and change my opinions of love just because of one incident that happened.

Now when I started re-building my life as a single gay man out of a bad relationship, when I started talking to different kinds of people and heard their issues, I realized that my problems are not so big. At least not as big as,

“Problems of a closeted gay man who is entangled in a hetero-sexual marriage, unable to cope up with the pressure of being monogamous to someone whom he doesn’t get attracted to,

Problems of a gay man whose parents keep making him sit on yagnas to remove his gay evil,

Problems of a gay man who is unable to overcome the fears of HIV even after multiple tests which always showed negative, years after the partner whom he slept with reported positive,

Problems of a straight wife to a gay man, who struggled years of her life going to beauty-parlors to make the husband show some interest in her,

Problems of a closeted gay man, who comes to know that his sister’s fiancĂ© is someone whom he slept with,

Problems of an open gay man, who is unable to accept the fact that his US-settled-brother was ok with his white friends being gay but not his own brother,

Problems of a married gay man, who comes to know of his HIV positive status only through his wife’s pregnancy test during their second child’s birth,

Problems of a gay boy who has no one to come out to because of his separated parents and  their respective not-so-friendly spouses,

Problems of a man, who is unable to define his sexuality in the whole queer spectrum because he gets sexually attracted to only men, but romantically attracted to only women,

Problems of a gay man who curses his highly educated professor parents, for not having understood and accepted him, unlike his close friend’s less literate parents”.

True. My problems are not as big as theirs. My problem of not finding my Mr. Right is nothing compared to the horrifying stories that I hear from many. But the problem is not small as well.
Then comes this thought. Whether or not there exists Mr. Right, whether or not I believe I can have my love life, why should I link my happiness to Mr. Right? Why should I postpone my happiness to only after finding a Mr. Right? Why can’t I have a stable, happy life, without Mr. Right involved in it?

Being a natural lover for mathematics, I thought what is the probability of other bonds being stable than just the romantic partner bond. Aren't those bonds equally stable if not more compared to a bond with a Mr. Right? No, I am not ruling out the possibility of finding Mr. Right, nor do I completely believe that only romantic relationship is the way to go. I am just trying to live a happy stable life, without waiting for Mr. Right to come and make me happy.

I find happiness and stability in the bonds that I emotionally invested in last one year. The gay sister, the gay mother, the gay friends, the gay judwa brother and a big whole family of people who trust me and whom I trust, who confide in me and whom I confide in, who help me and whom I help, who take turns to stay with me in the hospital when I am ill, who look forward to me whenever they are in trouble.

Yes, I am coming to your point of what if they leave me. Well, Anything can happen, and I am ok and prepared for it. After all, I am a fool if I still don't realize that there is nothing called 'forever' and it is 'change' that is constant. And even if I find my Mr. Right, obviously he will be a part of my family too and I will be a part of his family, if it exists.

So instead of choosing to wait, wait and wait to find my Mr. Right, postponing my happiness forever, here I choose to invest in those bonds which make my life memorable.


  1. Very well-written. Logical, simple, well-argued and most importantly, immensely readable.

  2. I am awwed by this article. There is not one thing I would change about the article if I were you? Its profound, sensible and perfect in my perspective, given my circumstances :) I request you to contribute this article for the pride that's happening this year.It certainly gives a nice vantage point for people to think from :) Good luck :) Hope, I am part of your family now :P

  3. Dear Srini Benguluru,

    I like these last lines that is written by you
    "I find happiness and stability in ...."

    I would like to add my thoughts in your article and i want to convey my feelings through your article...
    I believe that life is like a mirror, you stand in front of mirror and do some action, the same it will reflect to you (it may be at that moment or may be later some point of time).
    only humans created these words "Love, Hate, Trust, Fake, Lie", which is doesn't have any meaning to other species on this earth. because a bird don't know what is love, what is trust, what is fake, and what is lie.
    I had one bad experience on this earth which i can not forget till i have my memory and that is losing my closed one forever on this earth. he took his last breath on this earth in my arms, he closed his eyes forever in my arms. Now am shame of my immaturity and i am shamed because of my laziness.. this incident changed my life forever, changed my thoughts about life....
    I believe these following lines and i follow these lines which written by me to rule my life...
    1. Bring a small amount of smile in every one to whom you come across in your daily life. because you never know next day you/he/she may exist or may not exist in this world.
    2. Do not ignore when someone (humans/animal) needs your arms when they are in tough situation/time. because in happy time your presence may not make a difference to them but in bad time your presence will make a big difference to them.
    3. Provide shelter/food/water at least for one specie on this earth. because something you need to do by your heart not by force.
    4. Spend your most of the time with closed once for entire your life.
    5. Do what you want in your life, because you should not regret after your 25yrs of age what your now.
    6. Share your love openly and honestly with those you love.
    7. If you want something ( Ex: Good looks,Hunk date), then first you become same thing and ask for it. Because what you want in your mind might be same thing in opposite mind.
    8. Every day before going to sleep, think 2 min what you did on whole day, laugh on it for the funniest moments of the day, learn on it if you learn any new thing.
    9. Share love, joys, feelings, care with everyone....
    10. As i said in the beginning... life is a mirror, it will reflect for sure...

    these are my personal thoughts, not intended to hurt anyone here...
    Thanks for your patience to read this...